I was reading through my old journal this morning. It is littered with the writings of an exhausted, terrified, sinfully "in love" girl. I discovered this old journal a few weeks ago and periodically skim it's pages. If you have ever read Harry Potter then you know that in The Chamber of Secrets there is a journal that belongs to a once known Tom Riddle. Through this magical journal, he possesses the mind of Ginny Weasley but we later come to find that this Tom Riddle is none other than Voldemort. Harry eventually destroys the destructive journal and peace is restored (at least temporarily). In a way, my old journals are equally as destructive, shameful, entirely embarrassing and if someone were to accuse me as it's owner, I would pull a Peter and deny any relationship to it. Reading what I wrote, realizing how steeped in sin I was, how at the time I was completely oblivious to Satan's spindly fingers around my neck, how unlike the real me I had become, disgusts me. I am embarrassed to say that I was ever in such a despairing state. I genuinely believe that destroying this journal would be best for me. I keep crawling back to it, wanting peeks at the previous life I lived. It's a strange attraction. But I think I understand a little of what is going on within me and it is sad, unfortunate and yet entirely deserved. Voldemort's true followers were branded with the Death Mark. Every time Voldemort summoned these Death Eaters, the mark on their arms would burn until they acquiesced to his summoning. My journal is crap, evidence of much sin and much shame and as much as I would like to forget the girl I was once was, sin leaves a dark mark on all it's subjects. I can rid myself of the journal, of the physical evidence, but I can't rid myself of the mark, of the stain that sin so distinctly left behind. Even if I destroy the journal, I cannot destroy sin's consequences. And if there is one thing I can remind you, it is this: you are not immune to the discipline of God. Ironically, I wrote that in my journal once. But I found, through time, that all true Christ followers are not immune to His discipline. And if you find yourself in a pattern of sin, slay it. Repent. Seek any and all help you can in never going back to it. Isolation in the Christian life kills. Trust me. I hid myself in my journal. I smiled at church and helped in the youth group, but those pages told the story of who I really was, what went on behind closed doors and inside tinted cars. You cannot live a successful Christian life alone. You cannot overcome your sin with your own power. You need the Lord to go before you and you need your brothers and sisters to stand beside you. Sin is a dangerous, dangerous monster. It will devour every fiber of your being and it will mame you, leave you to die, without any remorse. I understand, and I hope you do too, that if you are a Christian you are forgiven. All the mistakes we've made in the past are wiped clean and the Lord remembers it no more. But unfortunately, or maybe it is to our benefit, that sin's consequences hardly, if ever, go away. They remind us of how destructive sin is, how dependent upon the Lord God we must be and they point us to the cross where, because of our sin, Christ died.
I've mentioned before that 2010 was a year of awakening for me. It was the first year, after several years of being at rock bottom, that I truly experienced sweet fellowship with the Lord. The previous couple years I was very much ashamed and had a difficult time communing with God. But 2010, the Lord was most gracious and gave me a multiple witnesses of His grace and forgiveness. But 2011, I am praying, holds more than just new awakenings. I hope and pray that the Lord can use me in ways He's never been able to use me before. I hope and pray that my relationship with Him deepens and deepens so that the only scars I see are the scars on His hands and feet and side. I don't want to forget my past, and I don't think He wants me too either, but I want to move forward in boldness and not let my past hold me back from moving forward. May God bless me with an abundant measure of His grace. And may He bless you likewise.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Pre-New Year Introspections
Yahweh: forever and always the same.
The past four years of my life have been a continuous spiritual beat-down and reality check. It began with pride and Lord-willing, ends in humility. The constant presence of the Lord has been both a heavy weight and a sweet relief and I suppose in a nutshell, that is the sum of the Christian life, the standard of this higher calling and the power of knowing it is the Lord who works within His children, the Lord who enables us.
The past two years specifically have been a time of intense pain, introspection, doubt and growth. It is within this two year time frame that I confronted head on all my doubts, fears, inhibitions and the question of: is there nothing more? Is this it?
I kept comparing my spiritual state to how it was in high school: I was strong, my faith firm. I was secure in my relationship with Him and sincerely felt and heard His calling upon my life. How, I wondered, did I get here? What happened? And what did I do then to have such fellowship with the Lord? I read the Bible. I prayed. I went to all the conferences and Christian concerts. I listened to Christian music, discipled a younger girl and involved myself in a myriad of ministries. I never felt burnt out though. I remember that time as pure joy, of constantly dining on the banquet before me. And then I moved away...literally, figuratively. One day, out of desperation, I went to the Bible book store and picked up two Bible study books. To this day, both of them are on my shelf, unused and dusty. But that day was a punch in the face. I knew then I had hit rock bottom. I knew I was filth. I even felt guilty shopping in that store. I felt like everyone there knew who I used to be and now saw the sick person I had become.
But the truth of the matter is this: until that point, I never once in my Christian life knew what it meant to be a wretch. And honestly, until we reach that point as Christians, how can we ever say we are fully dependent on Christ, when in our heart of hearts, if we our honest with ourselves, we will admit that there is a part of us, a sliver of us, that believes our standing before Christ is based upon our own merit?
Knowing Christ is knowing who we are before Him. We are nothing. We are the wretched creatures before the perfect Creator.I think I'm getting that...I think I'm beginning to understand how I am incapable...not even incompetent but INCAPABLE of living, of breathing, without Christ.
Not to say that I'm even close to where I want to be. But all the mistakes I've made the past few years...well, I'm thankful for them. Because the Lord was gracious enough to teach me something through them. Among other things, He is teaching me to respond to Him in a different way than I ever responded before. A response made on broken knees, a response of humility and brokenness, realizing I am...nothing. Absolutely nothing in the scope of eternity.
I suppose 2010 can be called the year of awakening. Of falling, of dying, of being revived, awakened by holy breath and divine grace.
I often ask myself if I should get back into youth ministry. Maybe someday I will. But as of right now, I don't believe He wants me to do that just yet. Maybe someday. Maybe not. I don't know. But I am content where I am. I am not strong enough or consider myself a strong example, a strong leader. My legs are still mending, my sight not yet strong, but the Lord is healing me, pruning me, making me more into the Christ-creature He wants. I serve where I can, how I can. I greet a few times a month at church and help in the nursery and toddler rooms as needed. I very much see myself as a flickering light, slowly regaining her strength, but kept on a tight, yet gracious, reign by my Savior.
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me,
For I am His
And He is mine,
Bought with precious blood of Christ,
No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hands,
Till He returns
or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
The past four years of my life have been a continuous spiritual beat-down and reality check. It began with pride and Lord-willing, ends in humility. The constant presence of the Lord has been both a heavy weight and a sweet relief and I suppose in a nutshell, that is the sum of the Christian life, the standard of this higher calling and the power of knowing it is the Lord who works within His children, the Lord who enables us.
The past two years specifically have been a time of intense pain, introspection, doubt and growth. It is within this two year time frame that I confronted head on all my doubts, fears, inhibitions and the question of: is there nothing more? Is this it?
I kept comparing my spiritual state to how it was in high school: I was strong, my faith firm. I was secure in my relationship with Him and sincerely felt and heard His calling upon my life. How, I wondered, did I get here? What happened? And what did I do then to have such fellowship with the Lord? I read the Bible. I prayed. I went to all the conferences and Christian concerts. I listened to Christian music, discipled a younger girl and involved myself in a myriad of ministries. I never felt burnt out though. I remember that time as pure joy, of constantly dining on the banquet before me. And then I moved away...literally, figuratively. One day, out of desperation, I went to the Bible book store and picked up two Bible study books. To this day, both of them are on my shelf, unused and dusty. But that day was a punch in the face. I knew then I had hit rock bottom. I knew I was filth. I even felt guilty shopping in that store. I felt like everyone there knew who I used to be and now saw the sick person I had become.
But the truth of the matter is this: until that point, I never once in my Christian life knew what it meant to be a wretch. And honestly, until we reach that point as Christians, how can we ever say we are fully dependent on Christ, when in our heart of hearts, if we our honest with ourselves, we will admit that there is a part of us, a sliver of us, that believes our standing before Christ is based upon our own merit?
Knowing Christ is knowing who we are before Him. We are nothing. We are the wretched creatures before the perfect Creator.I think I'm getting that...I think I'm beginning to understand how I am incapable...not even incompetent but INCAPABLE of living, of breathing, without Christ.
Not to say that I'm even close to where I want to be. But all the mistakes I've made the past few years...well, I'm thankful for them. Because the Lord was gracious enough to teach me something through them. Among other things, He is teaching me to respond to Him in a different way than I ever responded before. A response made on broken knees, a response of humility and brokenness, realizing I am...nothing. Absolutely nothing in the scope of eternity.
I suppose 2010 can be called the year of awakening. Of falling, of dying, of being revived, awakened by holy breath and divine grace.
I often ask myself if I should get back into youth ministry. Maybe someday I will. But as of right now, I don't believe He wants me to do that just yet. Maybe someday. Maybe not. I don't know. But I am content where I am. I am not strong enough or consider myself a strong example, a strong leader. My legs are still mending, my sight not yet strong, but the Lord is healing me, pruning me, making me more into the Christ-creature He wants. I serve where I can, how I can. I greet a few times a month at church and help in the nursery and toddler rooms as needed. I very much see myself as a flickering light, slowly regaining her strength, but kept on a tight, yet gracious, reign by my Savior.
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me,
For I am His
And He is mine,
Bought with precious blood of Christ,
No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hands,
Till He returns
or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Death and all his friends
Found out today an old friend passed away recently. She was only a few years older than myself and yet apparently she died of a heart attack. She leaves behind a husband and a 2 year-old.
Nothing screams louder than death. Even it's shadow commands silence.
RIP Sunshyne Jacobs
Nothing screams louder than death. Even it's shadow commands silence.
RIP Sunshyne Jacobs
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Bitter Entree
People say forgiveness is a process. I say it's a choice. A choice to obey, a choice to rebel. Jesus commands His followers to forgive as He has forgiven them. There is no room for middle ground, no room for error. It is easier to tell a man: forgive this fellow for stealing your wallet than it is to tell him: forgive this man for killing your spouse. Black is black and forgiveness is forgiveness. Let's not muddle or taint it with make-believe exceptions because there are none.
It is easier to write this than it is to act upon it. I am the first to admit it's difficulty. And yet I don't believe forgiveness takes time. I believe the act of forgiveness is deliberate and final and if it is anything else, it is anything but forgiveness. Can you imagine if forgiveness was that flighty? What if God believed forgiveness could be given and taken by a whim? But you say: well, that is not God. God wouldn't say or do such a thing.
Well, if that is the case, than this concept, this truth, of forgiveness cannot be changed either. It cannot be altered to suit our comfort level or convenience. God is not concerned with our comfort as much as He is concerned with our spiritual circumcision from this world. In other words, he's more concerned with our holiness. And for Him, forgiveness plays a huge role in our holiness. One could even argue it is the greatest role. But I am not a philosopher or a theologian so I cannot nor do say that with authority. It's just a theory that I believe holds some weight.
Forgiveness is a decision to lay aside the hurt caused you, the pain, the discomfort and that encompasses any hurt, pain or discomfort. Forgiveness is a gift extended to the thief and the murderer alike. It is easier to forgive the thief and forget the offense caused you but forgiving the murder is more difficult. I cannot say: "I'm working on forgiving him. It takes time."
No. It does not take time. But it may take many times of choosing over and over again to forgive that person. It is not to say that one moment you are extending forgiveness and the next moment you are taking it back. It is not to say: "well, if you have to moment by moment forgive that person then maybe you haven't really forgiven him."
I do not believe it is like that nor is that what I am trying to say. What I am trying to say and what I believe to be true is that forgiveness is an issue of the heart. And so long as you are constantly disciplining yourself to carry yourself in such a way as to demonstrate your forgiveness of that person, then that is what matters. God looks at the heart. He wants a contrite one, a humble one. For in our humbleness God exalts us and is able to far more within us and through us than if we had stubbornly held onto the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, or what have you.
But if we say: "Well, perhaps in time I can forgive that person," then it is time we get over this silly notion that our hurt excuses us from obedience. If you are not forgiving someone, it is not because you are unable to forgive that person, it is because you are unwilling to. Call it like it is. Do not confuse it or attempt to incorporate worldly thinking into this other-worldly Christian way of life. Recognize your sin. Own it and go from there. I believe you are in a much better place spiritually if you acknowledge your sin and recognize it as sin and purposefully live in that sin than it is to believe that God's commands are soft, or wish-washy, or that you have any say in the matter and have the authority and audacity to decide whom you will forgive and if or when you will forgive them.
Obedience is not optional.
It is easier to write this than it is to act upon it. I am the first to admit it's difficulty. And yet I don't believe forgiveness takes time. I believe the act of forgiveness is deliberate and final and if it is anything else, it is anything but forgiveness. Can you imagine if forgiveness was that flighty? What if God believed forgiveness could be given and taken by a whim? But you say: well, that is not God. God wouldn't say or do such a thing.
Well, if that is the case, than this concept, this truth, of forgiveness cannot be changed either. It cannot be altered to suit our comfort level or convenience. God is not concerned with our comfort as much as He is concerned with our spiritual circumcision from this world. In other words, he's more concerned with our holiness. And for Him, forgiveness plays a huge role in our holiness. One could even argue it is the greatest role. But I am not a philosopher or a theologian so I cannot nor do say that with authority. It's just a theory that I believe holds some weight.
Forgiveness is a decision to lay aside the hurt caused you, the pain, the discomfort and that encompasses any hurt, pain or discomfort. Forgiveness is a gift extended to the thief and the murderer alike. It is easier to forgive the thief and forget the offense caused you but forgiving the murder is more difficult. I cannot say: "I'm working on forgiving him. It takes time."
No. It does not take time. But it may take many times of choosing over and over again to forgive that person. It is not to say that one moment you are extending forgiveness and the next moment you are taking it back. It is not to say: "well, if you have to moment by moment forgive that person then maybe you haven't really forgiven him."
I do not believe it is like that nor is that what I am trying to say. What I am trying to say and what I believe to be true is that forgiveness is an issue of the heart. And so long as you are constantly disciplining yourself to carry yourself in such a way as to demonstrate your forgiveness of that person, then that is what matters. God looks at the heart. He wants a contrite one, a humble one. For in our humbleness God exalts us and is able to far more within us and through us than if we had stubbornly held onto the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, or what have you.
But if we say: "Well, perhaps in time I can forgive that person," then it is time we get over this silly notion that our hurt excuses us from obedience. If you are not forgiving someone, it is not because you are unable to forgive that person, it is because you are unwilling to. Call it like it is. Do not confuse it or attempt to incorporate worldly thinking into this other-worldly Christian way of life. Recognize your sin. Own it and go from there. I believe you are in a much better place spiritually if you acknowledge your sin and recognize it as sin and purposefully live in that sin than it is to believe that God's commands are soft, or wish-washy, or that you have any say in the matter and have the authority and audacity to decide whom you will forgive and if or when you will forgive them.
Obedience is not optional.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Chopping Block
A month or so ago I listened to a sermon on trials by James MacDonald. I prayed that God would grow me and use the then current trials of my life to sanctify me and bring glory to Him. Praying a prayer like that is much the same as praying for patience. It is a dangerous prayer but one I offered willingly: anything to be closer to Him.
A month or so later I am still on the chopping block and forced to enter the world of introspection and identifying one's sin in deeper, scarier, binding ways. In light of everything going in my life right now, I am sure I am present at many different crossroads but right now, there is only I see and I only see it because it is the most painful. I am Jacob fighting the angel of the Lord with an already broken hip. Here is my battle:
1. I am convinced that someone in my life is a Pharisee, a white-washed tomb. His mouth speaks many good things, truthful things, Godly things. But I am not interested, and never have been interested, in what comes out of his mouth. I am more concerned and interested in the motivation behind his words and actions. Here is my question: if he acts one way around the church (and by this, I mean the establishment he attends on a weekly basis) and another at home around his family, am I more likely to believe that who he really is, what his heart looks like, is the person he appears to be at church or the person he is at home? And if the people closest to him, people he has had the same pattern of confrontation with as he is having with me, see the exact same things in him as I see, doesn't that say something? Doesn't it speak volumes that others who know him the best: close friends, family members, people he used to minister with, know that he is not entirely as he appears to be?
2. In the two years that I have known him, I have honestly never seen anything but pride, arrogance, "super spirituality," manipulative words/actions come from this man and what's more, the way he talks to his family frightens me because he does not seem to understand grace. And if he is teaching his sons something contrary to the Bible, then he is a false teacher and dangerous to their spiritual growth. In my many years as a Christian, I have seen nothing more dangerous, more destructive, than one "Christian" teaching another a false doctrine and/or understanding of grace. I have witnessed and experienced this man's destructive hand in my life and the lives of others and I will not stand for it anymore.
But here's the rub:
If it is possible, I am called to live at peace with all men. What will it take before we deem this man impossible to be at peace with? We have a mediator who is willing to mediate the situation and how it works is that we have to read this book, answer some questions, fill out some forms, and then meet with him (without the Pharisee in question) once or twice. In turn, the Pharisee has to do the same and the mediator will meet with him once or twice as well. And it isn't until the mediator thinks we are ready that we will have a "face to face" meeting with the Pharisee.
At my counseling meeting yesterday, I kept bring up the fox that Solomon mentions in Song of Solomon, a fox that was destroying the lovers' vineyard. I flat out said it: this man is a fox that has done nothing but cause destruction. Why would I want this person in my life when I am called to protect my vineyard? If he is going to destroy, I am going to protect and take preemptive measures to keep him out!
This Pharisee has claimed to many people that HE has been trying to seek reconciliation but what they don't see is the texts and messages that we get about how ungodly we are and that restoration means coming up to his house, on his terms and then asking others to forgive us for lying to them about the situation. HELLLLOOOO? What am I missing here? What about this man gives any indication that he is genuinely seeking restoration? And all of a sudden, less than a week after another onslaught of texts, he just suddenly has an epiphone and wants restoration? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. So why, TWO FREAKIN WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING, do I have to deal with this? So that I can "live at peace with everyone?" Have you forgotten the obvious stipulation to that command, "if possible?" And what about "casting pearls before swine"? This man is a pig! Why do I have to waste my time on him? I want nothing to do with him!
And that's my problem, my dilemma. What is Satan? He is a liar, a destroyer and a murderer. This Pharisee has lied, this Pharisee has done everything he can do destroy, and this man is a murderer in the sense that he feels it is his right, his obligation, his parental responsibility, to condemn his own son DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE SON IN QUESTION HAS BEEN FORGIVEN BY JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF! So, yes, the Pharisee is ether a)demonic or b) crazy. At best, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and just call him crazy. Demonic people are dangerous. Crazy people are dangerous. I really don't understand why we have to keep trying to reconcile with this man.
I am open to one person in this situation and one person only: God. I know God is in this situation and He has a plan in all of this. As my counselor said yesterday, God opened these doors and it is our responsibility to him to be obedient and walk through them and go where He may lead.
But it's hard. So freaking hard.
A month or so later I am still on the chopping block and forced to enter the world of introspection and identifying one's sin in deeper, scarier, binding ways. In light of everything going in my life right now, I am sure I am present at many different crossroads but right now, there is only I see and I only see it because it is the most painful. I am Jacob fighting the angel of the Lord with an already broken hip. Here is my battle:
1. I am convinced that someone in my life is a Pharisee, a white-washed tomb. His mouth speaks many good things, truthful things, Godly things. But I am not interested, and never have been interested, in what comes out of his mouth. I am more concerned and interested in the motivation behind his words and actions. Here is my question: if he acts one way around the church (and by this, I mean the establishment he attends on a weekly basis) and another at home around his family, am I more likely to believe that who he really is, what his heart looks like, is the person he appears to be at church or the person he is at home? And if the people closest to him, people he has had the same pattern of confrontation with as he is having with me, see the exact same things in him as I see, doesn't that say something? Doesn't it speak volumes that others who know him the best: close friends, family members, people he used to minister with, know that he is not entirely as he appears to be?
2. In the two years that I have known him, I have honestly never seen anything but pride, arrogance, "super spirituality," manipulative words/actions come from this man and what's more, the way he talks to his family frightens me because he does not seem to understand grace. And if he is teaching his sons something contrary to the Bible, then he is a false teacher and dangerous to their spiritual growth. In my many years as a Christian, I have seen nothing more dangerous, more destructive, than one "Christian" teaching another a false doctrine and/or understanding of grace. I have witnessed and experienced this man's destructive hand in my life and the lives of others and I will not stand for it anymore.
But here's the rub:
If it is possible, I am called to live at peace with all men. What will it take before we deem this man impossible to be at peace with? We have a mediator who is willing to mediate the situation and how it works is that we have to read this book, answer some questions, fill out some forms, and then meet with him (without the Pharisee in question) once or twice. In turn, the Pharisee has to do the same and the mediator will meet with him once or twice as well. And it isn't until the mediator thinks we are ready that we will have a "face to face" meeting with the Pharisee.
At my counseling meeting yesterday, I kept bring up the fox that Solomon mentions in Song of Solomon, a fox that was destroying the lovers' vineyard. I flat out said it: this man is a fox that has done nothing but cause destruction. Why would I want this person in my life when I am called to protect my vineyard? If he is going to destroy, I am going to protect and take preemptive measures to keep him out!
This Pharisee has claimed to many people that HE has been trying to seek reconciliation but what they don't see is the texts and messages that we get about how ungodly we are and that restoration means coming up to his house, on his terms and then asking others to forgive us for lying to them about the situation. HELLLLOOOO? What am I missing here? What about this man gives any indication that he is genuinely seeking restoration? And all of a sudden, less than a week after another onslaught of texts, he just suddenly has an epiphone and wants restoration? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. So why, TWO FREAKIN WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING, do I have to deal with this? So that I can "live at peace with everyone?" Have you forgotten the obvious stipulation to that command, "if possible?" And what about "casting pearls before swine"? This man is a pig! Why do I have to waste my time on him? I want nothing to do with him!
And that's my problem, my dilemma. What is Satan? He is a liar, a destroyer and a murderer. This Pharisee has lied, this Pharisee has done everything he can do destroy, and this man is a murderer in the sense that he feels it is his right, his obligation, his parental responsibility, to condemn his own son DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE SON IN QUESTION HAS BEEN FORGIVEN BY JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF! So, yes, the Pharisee is ether a)demonic or b) crazy. At best, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and just call him crazy. Demonic people are dangerous. Crazy people are dangerous. I really don't understand why we have to keep trying to reconcile with this man.
I am open to one person in this situation and one person only: God. I know God is in this situation and He has a plan in all of this. As my counselor said yesterday, God opened these doors and it is our responsibility to him to be obedient and walk through them and go where He may lead.
But it's hard. So freaking hard.
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