One Giant Leap for Humanity

What a whirlwind of a day.

An older woman (and by "older" I mean older than me") came by this afternoon and dropped off a Christmas present for me and Matt. It was a beautiful Christmas plaque with our last name on it. And of course, in light of recent events and feeling particularly unloved, I cried. She knows the situation with the in-laws; she's actually close friends with B but amazingly, she loves us and has always shown her support for Matt and I. She's a very down to earth woman, what you see is what you get, and I appreciate her because she isn't afraid to call "bullshit," "bullshit." She said things today that really stuck with me and caused my wheels to turn. She said, "Jamie, it might be that the Lord is asking you to put yourself in a position where you will get hurt."

Life isn't fair. I can certainly testify to that. The Lord knows I've had a healthy dose of trials in my life. But maybe, just maybe, the Lord DOES want me to subject myself to pain...maybe my pain will bring Him the most glory. Maybe it isn't the pain, necessarily, but my response to it, that can most glorify God. I was humbly reminded today that this life isn't about me. This marriage isn't about me. This trial isn't about me. I can't focus on the pain. I can't focus on how I've been wronged. The in-laws may never like me. They may go to their graves despising me, I don't know. But I can't let that keep me from obedience. My friend also told me today that it appears that there is a small door of reconciliation that we should not only open, but walk through. It reminded me of what our pre marital counselors said, "if God is providing a way of reconciliation, you must do your part and be obedient." Regardless of what I think the outcome will be, regardless of how right I think I am in saying that D will just continue this torturous cycle...the Lord isn't asking me to predict the future, He's asking for my obedience.

Yes, Lord. I hear you. I will be obedient. I will do my part.

Merry? Christmas.

As a disclaimer, I should say that while I'm sure the coming holiday weekend will be bittersweet, my parents visit last weekend pretty much counted as Christmas in my opinion.

Matt finally sent a response to his dad and less than an hour later, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named responded and clearly...he's deranged, confused, and completely oblivious to the real issues. The situation exhausts me as it has been non-stop since the day Matt and I started dating. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I fluctuate between anger, pity, compassion, and guilt. I jokingly tell Matt, "well, I hope I'm worth it!" But to be honest? I'm only half joking. He doesn't have a relationship with his brothers anymore, or his mom (and as much as I love him, he's always been a mama's boy so I'm sure its difficult). It isn't because he doesn't want to or hasn't tried...its just that his dad wants to control the situation and in essence, he holds B and the boys hostage from Matt. And then there's their relationship with me...which is fairly non-existant. I don't exist. I'm an unfortunate in-law, a mistake their son made. I won't be considered part of the family unless Matt tells his dad, "I'm sorry for the way I married Jamie." And Matt won't budge...and rightfully so...and it's all so very, very sad. So, what do you do? What do I do? I really don't know. Part of me wants to say, "just go over to their house for Christmas. Do what your dad wants. Talk to your dad and mom. I'll stay home." And while Matt would never do that...and even if he did, his parents would wonder where I was...but the truth of the matter is they don't care about me. At all. And it doesn't anger me anymore or even depress me anymore. It is what it is. I've been away from my family since I was a junior in college. I'm now almost 27. I'm used to not having family around. That's why I have friends! And so this Christmas...if Matt did go and see his parents...I'd be ok. I wouldn't drown in self-pity, or anger...I'd just play the role I've played with them for nearly as long as I've known them: a prop. A background piece. Completely inconsequential.

The tree is trimmed. The stockings hung (and stuffed). My 3-D advent calendar sits on my kitchen table; every day I open a window, every day is a picture with a mouse baking...something. I have ornaments hanging in the entryway, presents under the tree. For all intents and purposes, it's Christmas. Even here in our little home. But in my mind and in my heart, it's just another day I'm reminded that I'll never be enough.

The Dangers of Memories

We sang a new song today in church. One line hit me square center: "If my mem'ries take the place of you, Jesus, come." The last few days have been somewhat emotional for me. Every once in a while my past decides to haunt me. I dwell on hurtful, life-altering, turn-my-heart-inside-out-and-beat-me-blue words that were said to me...and I ache. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words? Words will kill me. While I've moved on and even healed from those cold dagger wounds, I still can't erase them from my memory. And unfortunately, sometimes those memories cause fear in me. I'm afraid that history, being true to it's nature, will repeat itself and I will once again be a lonely, forgotten, stranded, broken girl. But the song today, "if my mem'ries take the place of you, Jesus, come..." I've always known that Jesus is with me, physically and spiritually speaking. But I realized or maybe re-remembered today that Jesus is with me mentally too. He knows my heart, my mind, better and more deeply than anyone now or ever. And when those dark memories rise to the surface, my Jesus, my Savior, is there with arms open and waiting, with love unending, and He covers me. And when fear takes root and I wonder if once again I'll be considered unworthy of faithfulness, my Jesus is there reminding me that even if man fails me, He never will. He is the very nature of faithfulness, of love. It seems the ways in which Christ liberates me are unending; an adventurous, untamed road. Thank you, Lord, for this.

Homecoming

Nearly a year ago, my brother left for the troubled terrain of Afghanistan. Six months ago he was moved to the front lines but today? Today, he is on his way home to America, land of the free and home of the brave. I wish I could be there in Texas when he arrives. I wish I could hug him and say how proud I am of him. But there will be time for such things in January when I visit him in Oregon with the rest of the family.

I can't wait.
<3

Yesterday...

Yesterday, 22 Navy Seals were killed as a result of their helicopter being shot down by insurgents. One of those men I knew since high school. His name was Jesse Pittman. It hits so close to home when someone you know dies in war. My heart breaks for the family, for his mom, for his brother, for his un-saved dad. And Jesse? The last time I talked to him he was not saved. I pray to God that he when he died, he met Christ as His child and not His enemy.

Hell is a very real place. It is tangible. It is physical. It is as real as you and me. I think as whole, the church doesn't like to think about hell or to talk about it. It isn't a very fun topic, not exactly encouraging as when you talk about heaven. But that doesn't make it any less real, any less of a reality. And the reality is that a lot of people we know and love are going to hell. They will be eternally separated from God, cast into a lake of fire, and they will live eternity in agony. Eternity is a long, long time and I don't wish the business of hell on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

I don't think God wants us to focus on hell. In fact, He tells us to look upward, so to speak, towards heaven, our final destination, our goal. But I don't think He wants us to immune ourselves to the reality of hell, to the painful awareness that people we know and love are going there. If we don't understand the horrors of hell, how can we really appreciate and understand the glory of heaven? People need to understand that apart from Christ, they will not be reincarnated, they will not vaporize, they will not reside in the ground. They will go to one of two places: heaven or hell. They need to understand reality. They will die. They will either suffer unspeakable horrors or they will rejoice with Christ. That is the truth. If they reject the truth, pray for them. PRAY FOR THEM! Mourn for their souls! Understand they are going to hell! Don't desensitize yourself from that truth. The Lord wept over Jerusalem. We must weep for ours too. I know many people will reject God's truth. They will reject it to their dying day. But we, as Christians, need to do our part. God said "go" and go we must. God said "speak" and speak we must. God said "obey" and obey we must. It is God who saves, not man. But we need to do our part. We must do our part for we will answer to God as to why we didn't go, why we didn't speak, why we didn't obey.

My brother is currently serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. I do not believe he is saved but I praise God his heart has softened. And I thank God that the letters I wrote to him this past year have been filled with truth and reality. I thank God every day for His grace in perserving my brother's life, for His patience. I don't know what God has planned. I don't know the future. But I know the truth. I know reality. And I weep for my brother. I weep for his soul. And I pray to God he finds peace with his Maker before its too late.

Heaven is real...but hell? Hell seems more real to me than heaven. I'm not running to heaven as much as I'm running from hell.

Marriage

God is the Matchmaker, the Wedding Planner. He brings a man and a woman into the covenant of marriage, a union so sacred that he commands, "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder." Marriage is not a covenant between a couple and their families, or a man and his father, or any other friend or family relationship: it is a covenant between a man, a woman, and their God. When I married my husband, I entered into a covenant with my husband. Not his family. Not my family. Not our friends. I entered into it with him and God alone. It is binding. It is sacred and it is the only relationship spoken of in the Bible which God himself says, "don't mess with it. Don't come between a man and his wife." Marriage is not about power. Marriage is designed to reflect God's glory, to show His redemptive love story through two sinful people. It is honoring, humbling. Like God pursues us, we are to constantly pursue our spouse. Like God selfishly loves us, we are to love our husband or our wife. Like God forgives and bestows grace, we are to forgive and bestow grace. It is a thought process of constantly reminding ourselves "the way God has loved me needs to be shown in how I love my husband. This marriage is not about me. It is about God and bringing glory to Him."

Sin is destructive. Sin comes between us and God. It doesn't make Him reject us, or refuse to love us, but sin does damage the fellowship that we have with God. That is why confession is so important: it restores fellowship. It isn't designed for God, it is designed for us. But if we don't confess and repent of our sin, it damages our relationship with God and with those around us. Sin is a disease and the only cure is the blood of Jesus. We must, as God commanded the Israelites, "circumcise our hearts" and slay the sin within before it causes irreparable damage. Similarly, the Bible warns of foxes who can damage and destroy love's vineyard. In fact, the issue of foxes is so important that Solomon says, "catch the foxes, the foxes that ruin the vineyards!" So if there is something that causes destruction in your marriage, be it sin or someone trying to put your marriage "asunder," it needs to be stopped. Period. Regardless of a person's reason to put a wedge in your marriage, that person is wrong and is in sin. He is violating God's command of treating a marriage with sacredness and respect.

Protect your marriage. Honor and respect it. And if a man is not for your marriage, he is against it and should be kept with a watchful eye, as an enemy within the city gates.

A Personal Note

I'm struggling a lot right now. A significant part of me never wants to hear from or see my father-in-law ever again. Actually, erase that. Everything within me never wants to hear from or see my father-in-law ever again. I can write books about the harm he's caused, the lies he's told, the unbiblical view of grace and forgiveness he lives and teaches but I won't. He isn't worth the amount of time and frustration. Jesus commands me to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me...so I will love him by praying for him. And I won't pray for anything specific or ask God to reveal to him what I think he needs to see...I will simply pray for his walk with the Lord. The Lord knows best. The Lord knows better than I what this man needs to see.

But dear God, haven't I done everything I can? Yes, I can honestly stand before you with a pure heart and a clean conscience. I have done everything within my power to have godly reconciliation. But still this man persists. Still this man causes pain and frustration beyond anything I've experienced and the most painful and frustrating part is that he does it all in Your name. I want nothing to do with him, Lord. Nothing whatsoever. Thank you for keeping me calm and allowing Your Spirit to keep my sinful nature at bay, for keeping my anger in check. I know it is purely by your grace, Lord. I certainly am not this calm on my own power. But honestly, Lord? Please, please, please...I don't ever want to see him or hear from him again.

Today is my husband's birthday. Happy birthday, my love.

Throne Usurpers

I'm currently reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. If you haven't read it, I strongly encourage you to. I haven't finished yet and that's because Chan usually gives some homework before he wants you to read further. His latest challenge was to read the four gospels and see with unfiltered eyes the high calling of Jesus.

I just finished Luke last night and it was...mind blowing. Even though I've read the gospels probably hundreds of times in my lifetime, I truly felt like I was reading Luke for the first time. I partially think it has something to do with the fact Luke was a doctor and therefore used more descriptives, not just in the physical sense but also emotionally. I felt more of the humanity of Jesus, His compassion, His anguish, His joy. And with everything I've experienced the last few years of my life, the words were more alive, more meaningful.

My largest soapbox is the issue of forgiveness. I've written essays, journal entries, blog entries, and had numerous conversations related to the topic. One of the passages that really struck me this time around was Luke 17:3,4. Now other gospels record this a bit differently and you're probably familiar with it too. Here'a paraphrase: "Lord, how often should I forgive? Up to seven times? And Jesus replies, "No, up to seventy times seven times." In essence, Jesus is saying you must always forgive. But here's how Luke writes it (taken from the ESV): "Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' you must forgive him."

There are several noteworthy things here:
1) When Jesus says "if your brother sins against you," He means sin. Sin as in you better have a chapter and verse labeling the offense as sin and make sure that the offense is not just a violation of your personal preference. There is a BIG difference. A violation of one's personal preference is not necessarily sin so be careful when you are "rebuking" your brother.
2) Even if a person continually screws up and continually repents, Jesus commands us to forgive him. We cannot judge a man's heart. That is only God's doing. We can't say to a person, "Well, if you were really sorry then you wouldn't do it anymore" because then we make our forgiveness conditional: If you stop doing this, then I will forgive you. But that's not what Jesus is saying. Jesus is saying we must always forgive. That is our part. Our part is to forgive, GOD's part is to judge the heart.

A few chapters later, Jesus foretells Peter's denial. Luke 22:31,32 "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like what, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers." These verses nearly brought me to tears. Jesus told Peter before, "Peter, on this rock I shall build my church and the gates of hell will not prevail over it." And now we see Jesus foretelling this "rock", His friend, that he will deny Jesus three times. But here's what is so lovely. Jesus said, "but I have prayed for you, Peter, that your faith will not fail. You will deny me as your friend and as your God and when the rooster crows, we will make eye contact. You will see my pain and I will see yours but Peter, I know you will repent. You will have remorse for what you've done and once our relationship is restored, you will strengthen your brothers for you, Peter, are my rock and on this rock I will build my church and not even the gates of hell will ever overcome it."

And sure enough, Peter denies Jesus three times, they make eye contact while the rooster crows (v51), Jesus is crucified, buried and three days later his empty grave is discovered by some women. They tell the disciples what the angel told them but they didn't believe. Except Peter..."Peter rose and ran to the tomb" (24:12). Can you imagine Peter's joy? Peter's relief? "Maybe it's not too late," he might've thought. "Maybe I can make things right with him again!" And sure enough, the gospel of John beautifully describes the restoration of their relationship. Jesus had already forgiven Him, as Jesus has already forgiven us all our sins, but that is why confession is important. It isn't for the Lord's benefit, it's for ours. And once we confess, "he is faithful and just to forgive us of all our sins and to cleans us from all unrighteousness."

Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it mind-numbing, that Jesus Christ, the God of the universe, has forgiven us our sins. And who do we think we are, holding forgiveness hostage from others? When we refuse to forgive, we kick God off His throne, essentially saying, "I am a better fit to rule than you, God." Furthermore, our refusal to forgive turns Christ's death into a mockery and our "faith" becomes meaningless.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive as the Lord has forgiven you.

May 1, 2011

I was watching Dateline on NBC. Mark Lauer was doing a special on Steven Tyler and since I am a Liv Tyler and American Idol fan (and also because my husband is obsessed with anything rock) I decided to watch/record it. The program was interrupted by "breaking news" and I eagerly awaited the President's announcement. Before he was able to make it, however, it was confirmed that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I woke up my sleeping husband and said, "babe! Osama bin Laden is dead!" My mind returned to the day of September 11. I remembered where I was, who I was with, how we kept the radio on the whole period during U.S. History and watched the news during Biology. I remembered watching video clips of people jumping to their deaths out of the Twin Towers and I remember watching live the plane hit the second building. It all seemed so surreal. This was America. This wasn't supposed to happen. Thousands of lives were lost, thousands more affected by that single day that will forever mark our nation's history as one of the worst we as nation have ever experienced. And it boiled down to one man. Osama Bin Laden. Nearly a decade later, God brought him to justice. And only God knows what's in store in the near future.

Like most people, I have a facebook account. I was infuriated by the number of posts stating that we should "mourn" for the death of this man because he wasn't a Christian. Not only were they upset because other people were rejoicing, some of them went a step further and questioned my faith as a Christian...now THAT infuriated me. I even went to bed upset and had to pray that the Lord would calm my spirit. Today, however, Dr. Will Varner wrote, in my opinion, the perfect response surrounding yesterday's historic events.

http://networkedblogs.com/hmtiG

Please take the time to read it. He sums it up perfectly.

And that's all I will say about Osama bin Laden.