Merry? Christmas.

As a disclaimer, I should say that while I'm sure the coming holiday weekend will be bittersweet, my parents visit last weekend pretty much counted as Christmas in my opinion.

Matt finally sent a response to his dad and less than an hour later, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named responded and clearly...he's deranged, confused, and completely oblivious to the real issues. The situation exhausts me as it has been non-stop since the day Matt and I started dating. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I fluctuate between anger, pity, compassion, and guilt. I jokingly tell Matt, "well, I hope I'm worth it!" But to be honest? I'm only half joking. He doesn't have a relationship with his brothers anymore, or his mom (and as much as I love him, he's always been a mama's boy so I'm sure its difficult). It isn't because he doesn't want to or hasn't tried...its just that his dad wants to control the situation and in essence, he holds B and the boys hostage from Matt. And then there's their relationship with me...which is fairly non-existant. I don't exist. I'm an unfortunate in-law, a mistake their son made. I won't be considered part of the family unless Matt tells his dad, "I'm sorry for the way I married Jamie." And Matt won't budge...and rightfully so...and it's all so very, very sad. So, what do you do? What do I do? I really don't know. Part of me wants to say, "just go over to their house for Christmas. Do what your dad wants. Talk to your dad and mom. I'll stay home." And while Matt would never do that...and even if he did, his parents would wonder where I was...but the truth of the matter is they don't care about me. At all. And it doesn't anger me anymore or even depress me anymore. It is what it is. I've been away from my family since I was a junior in college. I'm now almost 27. I'm used to not having family around. That's why I have friends! And so this Christmas...if Matt did go and see his parents...I'd be ok. I wouldn't drown in self-pity, or anger...I'd just play the role I've played with them for nearly as long as I've known them: a prop. A background piece. Completely inconsequential.

The tree is trimmed. The stockings hung (and stuffed). My 3-D advent calendar sits on my kitchen table; every day I open a window, every day is a picture with a mouse baking...something. I have ornaments hanging in the entryway, presents under the tree. For all intents and purposes, it's Christmas. Even here in our little home. But in my mind and in my heart, it's just another day I'm reminded that I'll never be enough.