Anticipation

It seems like just yesterday I gave Matt a card that read, "Dude! WTF?!" On the inside I wrote, "You're going to be a daddy." That's it. Six words that quite literally changed his life forever. And any day, Lord-willing, Oliver Jacob will be here. S Some days of this journey stood out as phenomenal, like the day we first heard his little heartbeat, or the first ultrasound where we could see the shapings of his head and little legs, or the day we found out we weren't just having a child, but a son. But most of the days were like any other day. I worked my job, hung out with friends, lived life. And the times I felt something different or that my life was changing were at those monthy doctor appointments or those days when I looked in the mirror and started to notice my growing belly. Much to the dismay of family, I have not wanted to post or send pictures of my growing physique, I have yet to participate in any maternity shoot, and I've unashamedly consumed a few drops of alochol throughout the pregnancy. I don't talk to my stomach and I don't like people touching it either. I don't understand your jokes about hormonal pregnant women and their emotionally terrifying outbursts because I honestly haven't been that way (I'm not saying I didn't have my moments...but just ask my husband and he'll tell you how proud he is of me). All in all, Matt and I have tried to maintain a sense of normalcy. This stage in life is exciting, terrifying, and because each child and pregnancy is different, it's also a once-in-a-lifetime event. But does it define me? Absolutely not. My roles as wife and mother are simply that: roles. They do not define me but are extensions of who I am, who Christ Jesus created me to be. Have I enjoyed pregnancy? Mmm. Somewhat. I love feeling Oliver move. I loved the process of watching my husband fall in love with his son. I love knowing that inside me is a beautiful and growing creation that holds a little of me and a little of Matt. Have I liked the attention? No. Never been one to enjoy the spotlight. Do I like seeing the stretch marks? Nope. Not really. Do I like the fact that I look like a whale? Definitely not. Do I enjoy sleep? Oh, you better believe it. Have I slept much in recent weeks? Ha. Please don't take my lack of enthusiasm for the "joys" of pregnancy as a lack of enthusiasm for the life that's to be born. Please don't assume because I don't want my picture taken or my belly rubbed that I'm not appreciating the miracle within me. I've spent all of this pregnancy marveling at the wonder within me and the majority of it trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life is forever changed. It terrifies and thrills me and while some pregnant women enjoy the spotlight and the attention, I chose to remain in the shadows, to shelter myself, to give myself the time and space I need to process what parenthood will look like for us. I see this pregnancy as a private matter (as much as one can with an ever-increasing belly) between Matt and I. A story that Matt and I wrote together. But at any moment, the story will be published. You can exclaim over it, take pictures of it, marvel at it, and tell the world what a beautiful story it is but for the time being, I appreciate your continued patience with me. I understand I'm different than most pregnant women. I only ask that you understand that being different is ok. Believe me when I say I anticipate Oliver's birth with a somber, almost sacred, joy. I am much like Mary in the sense that I ponder many things in my heart. I am outgoing and verbal about many things in life but this pregnancy isn't just about my life, but Oliver's and Matt's too. Our lives are forever changed. Matt and I have been given stewardship over a creature made in the image of God Himself. It is a beautiful, wondrous, and terrifying thing and yet we anticipate it with much joy. Our prayer is that we raise Oliver in a manner worthy of the gospel. It is a hefty responsibility and one I pray we never take lightly. The evidence of God's ever present grace and faithfulness in my life astounds me. I have a feeling this journey of understanding grace has only just begun. A new page in my life is about to turn, a new chapter, a twist in the story. As parents, Matt and I will learn to display love and grace to Oliver and in turn, Oliver must learn to display love and grace to his fallen parents. I don't feel completely ready for the challenge but He has promised me everything I need. And in His Word I find my hope. Lord, this holiday season and for this parenting season, may you always be, "Immanuel, God with us."