Pre-New Year Introspections

Yahweh: forever and always the same.

The past four years of my life have been a continuous spiritual beat-down and reality check. It began with pride and Lord-willing, ends in humility. The constant presence of the Lord has been both a heavy weight and a sweet relief and I suppose in a nutshell, that is the sum of the Christian life, the standard of this higher calling and the power of knowing it is the Lord who works within His children, the Lord who enables us.

The past two years specifically have been a time of intense pain, introspection, doubt and growth. It is within this two year time frame that I confronted head on all my doubts, fears, inhibitions and the question of: is there nothing more? Is this it?

I kept comparing my spiritual state to how it was in high school: I was strong, my faith firm. I was secure in my relationship with Him and sincerely felt and heard His calling upon my life. How, I wondered, did I get here? What happened? And what did I do then to have such fellowship with the Lord? I read the Bible. I prayed. I went to all the conferences and Christian concerts. I listened to Christian music, discipled a younger girl and involved myself in a myriad of ministries. I never felt burnt out though. I remember that time as pure joy, of constantly dining on the banquet before me. And then I moved away...literally, figuratively. One day, out of desperation, I went to the Bible book store and picked up two Bible study books. To this day, both of them are on my shelf, unused and dusty. But that day was a punch in the face. I knew then I had hit rock bottom. I knew I was filth. I even felt guilty shopping in that store. I felt like everyone there knew who I used to be and now saw the sick person I had become.

But the truth of the matter is this: until that point, I never once in my Christian life knew what it meant to be a wretch. And honestly, until we reach that point as Christians, how can we ever say we are fully dependent on Christ, when in our heart of hearts, if we our honest with ourselves, we will admit that there is a part of us, a sliver of us, that believes our standing before Christ is based upon our own merit?

Knowing Christ is knowing who we are before Him. We are nothing. We are the wretched creatures before the perfect Creator.I think I'm getting that...I think I'm beginning to understand how I am incapable...not even incompetent but INCAPABLE of living, of breathing, without Christ.

Not to say that I'm even close to where I want to be. But all the mistakes I've made the past few years...well, I'm thankful for them. Because the Lord was gracious enough to teach me something through them. Among other things, He is teaching me to respond to Him in a different way than I ever responded before. A response made on broken knees, a response of humility and brokenness, realizing I am...nothing. Absolutely nothing in the scope of eternity.

I suppose 2010 can be called the year of awakening. Of falling, of dying, of being revived, awakened by holy breath and divine grace.

I often ask myself if I should get back into youth ministry. Maybe someday I will. But as of right now, I don't believe He wants me to do that just yet. Maybe someday. Maybe not. I don't know. But I am content where I am. I am not strong enough or consider myself a strong example, a strong leader. My legs are still mending, my sight not yet strong, but the Lord is healing me, pruning me, making me more into the Christ-creature He wants. I serve where I can, how I can. I greet a few times a month at church and help in the nursery and toddler rooms as needed. I very much see myself as a flickering light, slowly regaining her strength, but kept on a tight, yet gracious, reign by my Savior.

And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me,
For I am His
And He is mine,
Bought with precious blood of Christ,
No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hands,
Till He returns
or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

Death and all his friends

Found out today an old friend passed away recently. She was only a few years older than myself and yet apparently she died of a heart attack. She leaves behind a husband and a 2 year-old.

Nothing screams louder than death. Even it's shadow commands silence.

RIP Sunshyne Jacobs

A Bitter Entree

People say forgiveness is a process. I say it's a choice. A choice to obey, a choice to rebel. Jesus commands His followers to forgive as He has forgiven them. There is no room for middle ground, no room for error. It is easier to tell a man: forgive this fellow for stealing your wallet than it is to tell him: forgive this man for killing your spouse. Black is black and forgiveness is forgiveness. Let's not muddle or taint it with make-believe exceptions because there are none.

It is easier to write this than it is to act upon it. I am the first to admit it's difficulty. And yet I don't believe forgiveness takes time. I believe the act of forgiveness is deliberate and final and if it is anything else, it is anything but forgiveness. Can you imagine if forgiveness was that flighty? What if God believed forgiveness could be given and taken by a whim? But you say: well, that is not God. God wouldn't say or do such a thing.

Well, if that is the case, than this concept, this truth, of forgiveness cannot be changed either. It cannot be altered to suit our comfort level or convenience. God is not concerned with our comfort as much as He is concerned with our spiritual circumcision from this world. In other words, he's more concerned with our holiness. And for Him, forgiveness plays a huge role in our holiness. One could even argue it is the greatest role. But I am not a philosopher or a theologian so I cannot nor do say that with authority. It's just a theory that I believe holds some weight.

Forgiveness is a decision to lay aside the hurt caused you, the pain, the discomfort and that encompasses any hurt, pain or discomfort. Forgiveness is a gift extended to the thief and the murderer alike. It is easier to forgive the thief and forget the offense caused you but forgiving the murder is more difficult. I cannot say: "I'm working on forgiving him. It takes time."

No. It does not take time. But it may take many times of choosing over and over again to forgive that person. It is not to say that one moment you are extending forgiveness and the next moment you are taking it back. It is not to say: "well, if you have to moment by moment forgive that person then maybe you haven't really forgiven him."

I do not believe it is like that nor is that what I am trying to say. What I am trying to say and what I believe to be true is that forgiveness is an issue of the heart. And so long as you are constantly disciplining yourself to carry yourself in such a way as to demonstrate your forgiveness of that person, then that is what matters. God looks at the heart. He wants a contrite one, a humble one. For in our humbleness God exalts us and is able to far more within us and through us than if we had stubbornly held onto the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, or what have you.

But if we say: "Well, perhaps in time I can forgive that person," then it is time we get over this silly notion that our hurt excuses us from obedience. If you are not forgiving someone, it is not because you are unable to forgive that person, it is because you are unwilling to. Call it like it is. Do not confuse it or attempt to incorporate worldly thinking into this other-worldly Christian way of life. Recognize your sin. Own it and go from there. I believe you are in a much better place spiritually if you acknowledge your sin and recognize it as sin and purposefully live in that sin than it is to believe that God's commands are soft, or wish-washy, or that you have any say in the matter and have the authority and audacity to decide whom you will forgive and if or when you will forgive them.

Obedience is not optional.