Pre-New Year Introspections

Yahweh: forever and always the same.

The past four years of my life have been a continuous spiritual beat-down and reality check. It began with pride and Lord-willing, ends in humility. The constant presence of the Lord has been both a heavy weight and a sweet relief and I suppose in a nutshell, that is the sum of the Christian life, the standard of this higher calling and the power of knowing it is the Lord who works within His children, the Lord who enables us.

The past two years specifically have been a time of intense pain, introspection, doubt and growth. It is within this two year time frame that I confronted head on all my doubts, fears, inhibitions and the question of: is there nothing more? Is this it?

I kept comparing my spiritual state to how it was in high school: I was strong, my faith firm. I was secure in my relationship with Him and sincerely felt and heard His calling upon my life. How, I wondered, did I get here? What happened? And what did I do then to have such fellowship with the Lord? I read the Bible. I prayed. I went to all the conferences and Christian concerts. I listened to Christian music, discipled a younger girl and involved myself in a myriad of ministries. I never felt burnt out though. I remember that time as pure joy, of constantly dining on the banquet before me. And then I moved away...literally, figuratively. One day, out of desperation, I went to the Bible book store and picked up two Bible study books. To this day, both of them are on my shelf, unused and dusty. But that day was a punch in the face. I knew then I had hit rock bottom. I knew I was filth. I even felt guilty shopping in that store. I felt like everyone there knew who I used to be and now saw the sick person I had become.

But the truth of the matter is this: until that point, I never once in my Christian life knew what it meant to be a wretch. And honestly, until we reach that point as Christians, how can we ever say we are fully dependent on Christ, when in our heart of hearts, if we our honest with ourselves, we will admit that there is a part of us, a sliver of us, that believes our standing before Christ is based upon our own merit?

Knowing Christ is knowing who we are before Him. We are nothing. We are the wretched creatures before the perfect Creator.I think I'm getting that...I think I'm beginning to understand how I am incapable...not even incompetent but INCAPABLE of living, of breathing, without Christ.

Not to say that I'm even close to where I want to be. But all the mistakes I've made the past few years...well, I'm thankful for them. Because the Lord was gracious enough to teach me something through them. Among other things, He is teaching me to respond to Him in a different way than I ever responded before. A response made on broken knees, a response of humility and brokenness, realizing I am...nothing. Absolutely nothing in the scope of eternity.

I suppose 2010 can be called the year of awakening. Of falling, of dying, of being revived, awakened by holy breath and divine grace.

I often ask myself if I should get back into youth ministry. Maybe someday I will. But as of right now, I don't believe He wants me to do that just yet. Maybe someday. Maybe not. I don't know. But I am content where I am. I am not strong enough or consider myself a strong example, a strong leader. My legs are still mending, my sight not yet strong, but the Lord is healing me, pruning me, making me more into the Christ-creature He wants. I serve where I can, how I can. I greet a few times a month at church and help in the nursery and toddler rooms as needed. I very much see myself as a flickering light, slowly regaining her strength, but kept on a tight, yet gracious, reign by my Savior.

And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me,
For I am His
And He is mine,
Bought with precious blood of Christ,
No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hands,
Till He returns
or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand