One Giant Leap for Humanity

What a whirlwind of a day.

An older woman (and by "older" I mean older than me") came by this afternoon and dropped off a Christmas present for me and Matt. It was a beautiful Christmas plaque with our last name on it. And of course, in light of recent events and feeling particularly unloved, I cried. She knows the situation with the in-laws; she's actually close friends with B but amazingly, she loves us and has always shown her support for Matt and I. She's a very down to earth woman, what you see is what you get, and I appreciate her because she isn't afraid to call "bullshit," "bullshit." She said things today that really stuck with me and caused my wheels to turn. She said, "Jamie, it might be that the Lord is asking you to put yourself in a position where you will get hurt."

Life isn't fair. I can certainly testify to that. The Lord knows I've had a healthy dose of trials in my life. But maybe, just maybe, the Lord DOES want me to subject myself to pain...maybe my pain will bring Him the most glory. Maybe it isn't the pain, necessarily, but my response to it, that can most glorify God. I was humbly reminded today that this life isn't about me. This marriage isn't about me. This trial isn't about me. I can't focus on the pain. I can't focus on how I've been wronged. The in-laws may never like me. They may go to their graves despising me, I don't know. But I can't let that keep me from obedience. My friend also told me today that it appears that there is a small door of reconciliation that we should not only open, but walk through. It reminded me of what our pre marital counselors said, "if God is providing a way of reconciliation, you must do your part and be obedient." Regardless of what I think the outcome will be, regardless of how right I think I am in saying that D will just continue this torturous cycle...the Lord isn't asking me to predict the future, He's asking for my obedience.

Yes, Lord. I hear you. I will be obedient. I will do my part.

Merry? Christmas.

As a disclaimer, I should say that while I'm sure the coming holiday weekend will be bittersweet, my parents visit last weekend pretty much counted as Christmas in my opinion.

Matt finally sent a response to his dad and less than an hour later, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named responded and clearly...he's deranged, confused, and completely oblivious to the real issues. The situation exhausts me as it has been non-stop since the day Matt and I started dating. I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I fluctuate between anger, pity, compassion, and guilt. I jokingly tell Matt, "well, I hope I'm worth it!" But to be honest? I'm only half joking. He doesn't have a relationship with his brothers anymore, or his mom (and as much as I love him, he's always been a mama's boy so I'm sure its difficult). It isn't because he doesn't want to or hasn't tried...its just that his dad wants to control the situation and in essence, he holds B and the boys hostage from Matt. And then there's their relationship with me...which is fairly non-existant. I don't exist. I'm an unfortunate in-law, a mistake their son made. I won't be considered part of the family unless Matt tells his dad, "I'm sorry for the way I married Jamie." And Matt won't budge...and rightfully so...and it's all so very, very sad. So, what do you do? What do I do? I really don't know. Part of me wants to say, "just go over to their house for Christmas. Do what your dad wants. Talk to your dad and mom. I'll stay home." And while Matt would never do that...and even if he did, his parents would wonder where I was...but the truth of the matter is they don't care about me. At all. And it doesn't anger me anymore or even depress me anymore. It is what it is. I've been away from my family since I was a junior in college. I'm now almost 27. I'm used to not having family around. That's why I have friends! And so this Christmas...if Matt did go and see his parents...I'd be ok. I wouldn't drown in self-pity, or anger...I'd just play the role I've played with them for nearly as long as I've known them: a prop. A background piece. Completely inconsequential.

The tree is trimmed. The stockings hung (and stuffed). My 3-D advent calendar sits on my kitchen table; every day I open a window, every day is a picture with a mouse baking...something. I have ornaments hanging in the entryway, presents under the tree. For all intents and purposes, it's Christmas. Even here in our little home. But in my mind and in my heart, it's just another day I'm reminded that I'll never be enough.

The Dangers of Memories

We sang a new song today in church. One line hit me square center: "If my mem'ries take the place of you, Jesus, come." The last few days have been somewhat emotional for me. Every once in a while my past decides to haunt me. I dwell on hurtful, life-altering, turn-my-heart-inside-out-and-beat-me-blue words that were said to me...and I ache. Sticks and stones can break my bones but words? Words will kill me. While I've moved on and even healed from those cold dagger wounds, I still can't erase them from my memory. And unfortunately, sometimes those memories cause fear in me. I'm afraid that history, being true to it's nature, will repeat itself and I will once again be a lonely, forgotten, stranded, broken girl. But the song today, "if my mem'ries take the place of you, Jesus, come..." I've always known that Jesus is with me, physically and spiritually speaking. But I realized or maybe re-remembered today that Jesus is with me mentally too. He knows my heart, my mind, better and more deeply than anyone now or ever. And when those dark memories rise to the surface, my Jesus, my Savior, is there with arms open and waiting, with love unending, and He covers me. And when fear takes root and I wonder if once again I'll be considered unworthy of faithfulness, my Jesus is there reminding me that even if man fails me, He never will. He is the very nature of faithfulness, of love. It seems the ways in which Christ liberates me are unending; an adventurous, untamed road. Thank you, Lord, for this.

Homecoming

Nearly a year ago, my brother left for the troubled terrain of Afghanistan. Six months ago he was moved to the front lines but today? Today, he is on his way home to America, land of the free and home of the brave. I wish I could be there in Texas when he arrives. I wish I could hug him and say how proud I am of him. But there will be time for such things in January when I visit him in Oregon with the rest of the family.

I can't wait.
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