Anticipation

It seems like just yesterday I gave Matt a card that read, "Dude! WTF?!" On the inside I wrote, "You're going to be a daddy." That's it. Six words that quite literally changed his life forever. And any day, Lord-willing, Oliver Jacob will be here. S Some days of this journey stood out as phenomenal, like the day we first heard his little heartbeat, or the first ultrasound where we could see the shapings of his head and little legs, or the day we found out we weren't just having a child, but a son. But most of the days were like any other day. I worked my job, hung out with friends, lived life. And the times I felt something different or that my life was changing were at those monthy doctor appointments or those days when I looked in the mirror and started to notice my growing belly. Much to the dismay of family, I have not wanted to post or send pictures of my growing physique, I have yet to participate in any maternity shoot, and I've unashamedly consumed a few drops of alochol throughout the pregnancy. I don't talk to my stomach and I don't like people touching it either. I don't understand your jokes about hormonal pregnant women and their emotionally terrifying outbursts because I honestly haven't been that way (I'm not saying I didn't have my moments...but just ask my husband and he'll tell you how proud he is of me). All in all, Matt and I have tried to maintain a sense of normalcy. This stage in life is exciting, terrifying, and because each child and pregnancy is different, it's also a once-in-a-lifetime event. But does it define me? Absolutely not. My roles as wife and mother are simply that: roles. They do not define me but are extensions of who I am, who Christ Jesus created me to be. Have I enjoyed pregnancy? Mmm. Somewhat. I love feeling Oliver move. I loved the process of watching my husband fall in love with his son. I love knowing that inside me is a beautiful and growing creation that holds a little of me and a little of Matt. Have I liked the attention? No. Never been one to enjoy the spotlight. Do I like seeing the stretch marks? Nope. Not really. Do I like the fact that I look like a whale? Definitely not. Do I enjoy sleep? Oh, you better believe it. Have I slept much in recent weeks? Ha. Please don't take my lack of enthusiasm for the "joys" of pregnancy as a lack of enthusiasm for the life that's to be born. Please don't assume because I don't want my picture taken or my belly rubbed that I'm not appreciating the miracle within me. I've spent all of this pregnancy marveling at the wonder within me and the majority of it trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life is forever changed. It terrifies and thrills me and while some pregnant women enjoy the spotlight and the attention, I chose to remain in the shadows, to shelter myself, to give myself the time and space I need to process what parenthood will look like for us. I see this pregnancy as a private matter (as much as one can with an ever-increasing belly) between Matt and I. A story that Matt and I wrote together. But at any moment, the story will be published. You can exclaim over it, take pictures of it, marvel at it, and tell the world what a beautiful story it is but for the time being, I appreciate your continued patience with me. I understand I'm different than most pregnant women. I only ask that you understand that being different is ok. Believe me when I say I anticipate Oliver's birth with a somber, almost sacred, joy. I am much like Mary in the sense that I ponder many things in my heart. I am outgoing and verbal about many things in life but this pregnancy isn't just about my life, but Oliver's and Matt's too. Our lives are forever changed. Matt and I have been given stewardship over a creature made in the image of God Himself. It is a beautiful, wondrous, and terrifying thing and yet we anticipate it with much joy. Our prayer is that we raise Oliver in a manner worthy of the gospel. It is a hefty responsibility and one I pray we never take lightly. The evidence of God's ever present grace and faithfulness in my life astounds me. I have a feeling this journey of understanding grace has only just begun. A new page in my life is about to turn, a new chapter, a twist in the story. As parents, Matt and I will learn to display love and grace to Oliver and in turn, Oliver must learn to display love and grace to his fallen parents. I don't feel completely ready for the challenge but He has promised me everything I need. And in His Word I find my hope. Lord, this holiday season and for this parenting season, may you always be, "Immanuel, God with us."

I read this blog tonight: "While marriage is good, He is the greater goal." I remember making a pledge of purity, to "wait" for my husband. But I fell into a trap of "waiting" for my husband and not living in the now, not understanding that if I never married, He would be enough. Always. I'm blessed beyond belief with an incredible husband. I recently referred to him as the "Jamie Whisperer." He brings calm and peace to my otherwise chaotic mind. He understands the way I think, understands who I am, and because of that, he can effectively communicate with me. It doesn't happen all the time (because no marriage is perfect) but he's pretty darn good at it. That being said, even though I have an amazing, adoring, and amazingly adoring husband, he does not complete me. And he never will. This isn't because of some flaw in our marriage. It's because he wasn't designed to bring me utter completion. Only He is meant for that. Only He can sustain and complete me when others fail. As cliche as this is, there IS a God-shaped hole in all of us and guess what? Only God (Jesus Christ) can fill it. Because I'm married, it's probably easier for me to say this but because I'm married, I can testify that it's true: marriage is not the answer...to anything. Happiness, longing, loneliness...all of these happen outside of marriage, and all of these things happen inside of marriage. In fact, unless you have a Biblical view of marriage, you will probably feel even more lonely IN your marriage than you would be if you remained single. It's because in the Christian culture, we've preset our minds to think that once we're married, all our desires (sexual and otherwise) will be met. That isn't true. Just because you have someone to sleep with, doesn't mean your desires will be met. That's why it's important to have a Biblical view of marriage, to understand that your spouse is not the end-all cure to your long list of woes and "needs." I believe it's imperative to understand who you are in Christ, that with or without a spouse, you ARE complete in Him. You can't look to a husband or wife to fulfill your deepest needs. Only Christ has that capability. He will fulfill your needs and He will never leave you lacking or feeling unsatisfied. I have to remember this in my marriage too. It's easy to depend too much on my husband. It's a good thing to depend on your spouse, but when I depend too much on my husband to make me happy...I just end up unhappier and he ends up discouraged.

The tongue and the heart

I recently took part in a discussion as to whether or not cursing is a sin. When I think of curse words and the use of profanity, I immediately want to know the context in which they are spoken. For example, if I exclaim in anger, “Oh, S**t!” then I would say that is wrong. Not because of the actual word, but because of the context: I am saying something in anger. It becomes not a matter of the tongue but of the heart. However, if I say, “Wow, that is a large pile of horse S***t,” I don’t necessarily see that as wrong since I am not using the word as a euphemism for something else. Is it wrong to call a female dog a bitch? The term “bitch” literally means a female dog. There are some “curse” words, such as the infamous “F” word, that are clearly crude. In my experience, that word is always used negatively or crudely. The Bible says that no unwholesome talk should come from our mouths and that we are to avoid crude and profane talk. I don’t use the “F” word for the above noted reasons. I don’t often use the “S” word because frankly, I have no use for it and would rather use a different word. Not because I think it’s a sin to say it, especially if I am using it in it’s proper context, but because other people can be offended by it. In my conversation, I was told that we should be more concerned with offending God than we are other people and that’s the reason why we shouldn’t curse. I completely agree. But I think as Christians we need to be careful what we label as “sin.” We can easily say that sex is wrong but in it’s proper context, marriage, sex is a gift from God. Sex in and of itself isn’t wrong, it’s when we take it out of it’s proper context. So my belief about cursing is that yes, some words are just plain crude and should be avoided. However, why should a word like “shit”, when used in it’s proper context, be considered “crude” or “profane” and therefore a sin?

relentless love

I'm re-reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis for the upteenth time...and for the upteenth time, I'm completely awestruck and humbled at his Biblical teaching. There are very few parts of the book I question, namely his stance on communion, but on the whole, I always find it an invigorating and convicting read. The chapters on forgiveness, marriage, and pride are some of the most convicting and gut-wrenching. I wonder, if he were alive today, what he would say about this generation? About the downward spiral of morals and sound Biblical teaching? I think of Joel Osteen, Dr. Phil, even Joyce Meyer, and their endless pursuit of "happiness" and "positive feelings" and not taking responsibility for one's own sins, for refusing to even call sin what it is...sin! What would Lewis' response be? I don't know...but I would read it. Download it. Highlight and treasure it. What I appreciate and admire about Lewis is that he never sugar-coated anything. He gave it to the reader bloody and raw. He spoke unfiltered, uncompromising truth. Enough about Lewis, though. I have a lot on my mind lately, a lot of unrest, uncertainty. But it is not with myself that I harbor these feelings, but with a friend. I dreamed last night his plans backfired and that he was forced to resume the path previously chosen. I woke up feeling relieved...until I realized it was a dream...and then the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returned and cast a cloud on my morning. I see situations similar to his every...single...day. I'm scared for him...because these things never work out well or as planned. The realist in me is screaming, "she'll do it again!" "Don't trust her!" But I know that if I am to love the two, even from a distance, I need to hope for them, hope that her faith is genuine, hope that their marriage grows more beautiful by the day. It's a struggle I daily surrender to the Lord. He knows best. And He sovereignly chose this trial for them...for a higher purpose than what my human eyes can comprehend. And so that leads me to my next question: do I trust Him? Am I taking Him at His word? "Love covers over a multitude of sins." "Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."

Dear "Ja'maine"

Dear "Ja'Maine" (that's your nickname for now...even though I'm not sure if you are male or female...either way, it has a funny story behind it and someday when you're older, and if my memory permits, I will tell you the back story): It's starting to hit me that in 6 months time, I will have a baby in my arms. I'm still unsure...not about wanting you...Lord knows how much your dad and I love you already...but the uncertainty of first-time parents is somewhat unsettling. Will you like me? Will I know how to take care of you? Will I ever sleep? Or read? Will I raise you correctly? My goodness, there are so many things to think about when you're having a baby. At the end of the day, I just want you to be healthy...and I want to raise you to be useful, kind, and loving. We need more of those people in this world. If you're a boy, your dad and I are pretty set on a name: Oliver Jacob. I also like Liam Jacob or Levi Jacob but we're pretty set on Oliver. If you're a girl...well, we have a middle name picked out at least. I like the name Felicity Paige...it means, "happy servant." Your dad isn't completely settled on it though. However, we both like Ashlyn Paige. We'll see...maybe we'll pick different names all together. I hope you like to read as much as I do. Your dad doesn't enjoy reading; he prefers music...which is totally fine by me. If you'd rather play an instrument than read, I'm ok with that. It's good to stretch your mind and employ yourself in something that you not only enjoy, but strengthens who you are. The arts are important to us. I don't want you to be raised by tv or other forms of technology. Men have lived centuries before with only the skill of their hands and the creativity of their imagination. I want that for you. I promise you, you'll be all the better for it. I hope to spend our holidays with family, our summers camping, our springs making mud pies and watching the trees slowly bloom, our autumns sipping warm cider and collecting fall-colored leaves for arts and crafts. I want so much to live in the country and have you experience the things I did as a child: a large garden, acres to roam and explore, deer in the front yard, turkeys in the back...I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to provide that for you...but I wish it with all my heart.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

My baby is due December 12, 2012...according to the Mayan calendar, it will only have days to live on this earth. If the world does end, I'm ok with that. However, if God the Father withheld from Jesus the Son the day and hour of the world's end, I'm fairly certain He probably withheld it from the Mayans. Did my pregnancy shock you as much it shocked me? Pssh. Not possible. Oh, Lord...grant me grace. You know how much I'll need it for the next...well...lifetime.

My Funny Valentine...

So, I'm two days late...bear with me.

Valentine's Day. What do you think of? Me? I think of cliche chocolates, cheesy Hallmark greetings, mediocre roses, or soon-to-be-forgotten teddy bears. I don't think of love. I think of obligation, guilt, stress. Matt and I typically don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Both of us see it as a commercialized stagnant holiday and genuinely expect nothing from the other. This year, however, I made Matt a homemade card and a homemade gift. He had no idea I was doing it and I purposefully kept it a secret because I didn't want him to feel obligated to buy me anything. I truly just wanted to express my love in a creative, genuine way. We had a lovely Valentine's Day...nothing set it apart from any other Tuesday...except the delicious cocktails he made me.

I'm in three weddings between now and May (and that's not counting my role as bridesmaid in December either). Love is in the air. Something's in the water. Yada, yada, yada. But all of it brings to memory the joy of my own wedding day. The excitement. The anticipation. The enormity of the lifelong commitment I was making. I remember the tears Matt cried when he first saw me. How even though I was surrounded by people, he was the only person I saw. Tunnel vision, if you will. My rainbow after the rain. My wish come true. And I remember thinking on that day, "how can it get any better?" My love, my adoration, my trust, my commitment to this man culminated on September 18, 2010, the day we became...we.

18 months later and you know what I'm thinking? How in the world can it get any better? I am so in love with my husband, so completely and utterly captivated by this man. He has stolen my heart in the sweetest of ways. And when I look back on my wedding day and how exciting and "twitterpated" we both were...it doesn't compare to where we are now. Our love is deeper, stronger, firmly planted, and shooting forth like a springtime garden. And it thrills and excites me to no end, wondering where we'll be in five, ten years. I'm not ignorant ( I work for a divorce attorney). I understand the complications that will arise. But I know without a doubt that if we keep striving to love the Lord, we will naturally strive to love each other.

"This is love, not that we loved Him but that He first loved us." My example is Christ. "Let us look to the Author and Perfecter of our faith." The more I understand the grace of God, the more I love my husband, the more I see how undeserving I am of such a love. I am a wretch, and oh, how the Lord knows it. I don't deserve this beautiful home, a cute puppy, even food on the table. All of these things are gifts from God...gifts. We are able to afford the above because of the gift of Matt's job. Not on our own merit, not because we "earned" these things, but because the Lord saw fit for us to have them. God's grace is so beautiful and if all He did was portray His grace on the cross, that would be enough. But He goes further, He gives not just life, but "abundant life." The more I undertand grace, the more I realize I have nothing to say. I am Job. "Shall I attempt so speak?" I'm overwhelmed with gratitude...not just because of His grace...but because BY His grace my eyes are more open to His truths. I can honestly look back on my life...even on just the last few months...and I see specifically where the Lord has exposed hidden (and not so hidden) sins. I can see growth. I can see His hand on my life and I praise God for His faithfulness to me.

I understand that some people don't have jobs. Some people don't have family or friends who love them. Some Christians don't even know when they'll have their next meal. But that doesn't mean Christ's grace isn't as loudly proclaimed as it is in mine. The fact that we breathe, that we exist, is enough evidence of God's grace. And for those hurting, for those confused, scared, unsure...the Lord knows where you are. In fact, He sovereignly appointed you there...right now...at this time. And He has a reason. You may not see or understand it, but He does. Do you trust Him? Do you take Him at His word? Proclaim the glory and grace of God and rejoice in your time of suffering. This life is temporal. And that's grace, too. Aren't you relieved you don't have to live in this world forever?

I'm rambling, I know, but the topic of grace is like a flashing neon light in my life at the moment.