I was reading through my old journal this morning. It is littered with the writings of an exhausted, terrified, sinfully "in love" girl. I discovered this old journal a few weeks ago and periodically skim it's pages. If you have ever read Harry Potter then you know that in The Chamber of Secrets there is a journal that belongs to a once known Tom Riddle. Through this magical journal, he possesses the mind of Ginny Weasley but we later come to find that this Tom Riddle is none other than Voldemort. Harry eventually destroys the destructive journal and peace is restored (at least temporarily). In a way, my old journals are equally as destructive, shameful, entirely embarrassing and if someone were to accuse me as it's owner, I would pull a Peter and deny any relationship to it. Reading what I wrote, realizing how steeped in sin I was, how at the time I was completely oblivious to Satan's spindly fingers around my neck, how unlike the real me I had become, disgusts me. I am embarrassed to say that I was ever in such a despairing state. I genuinely believe that destroying this journal would be best for me. I keep crawling back to it, wanting peeks at the previous life I lived. It's a strange attraction. But I think I understand a little of what is going on within me and it is sad, unfortunate and yet entirely deserved. Voldemort's true followers were branded with the Death Mark. Every time Voldemort summoned these Death Eaters, the mark on their arms would burn until they acquiesced to his summoning. My journal is crap, evidence of much sin and much shame and as much as I would like to forget the girl I was once was, sin leaves a dark mark on all it's subjects. I can rid myself of the journal, of the physical evidence, but I can't rid myself of the mark, of the stain that sin so distinctly left behind. Even if I destroy the journal, I cannot destroy sin's consequences. And if there is one thing I can remind you, it is this: you are not immune to the discipline of God. Ironically, I wrote that in my journal once. But I found, through time, that all true Christ followers are not immune to His discipline. And if you find yourself in a pattern of sin, slay it. Repent. Seek any and all help you can in never going back to it. Isolation in the Christian life kills. Trust me. I hid myself in my journal. I smiled at church and helped in the youth group, but those pages told the story of who I really was, what went on behind closed doors and inside tinted cars. You cannot live a successful Christian life alone. You cannot overcome your sin with your own power. You need the Lord to go before you and you need your brothers and sisters to stand beside you. Sin is a dangerous, dangerous monster. It will devour every fiber of your being and it will mame you, leave you to die, without any remorse. I understand, and I hope you do too, that if you are a Christian you are forgiven. All the mistakes we've made in the past are wiped clean and the Lord remembers it no more. But unfortunately, or maybe it is to our benefit, that sin's consequences hardly, if ever, go away. They remind us of how destructive sin is, how dependent upon the Lord God we must be and they point us to the cross where, because of our sin, Christ died.
I've mentioned before that 2010 was a year of awakening for me. It was the first year, after several years of being at rock bottom, that I truly experienced sweet fellowship with the Lord. The previous couple years I was very much ashamed and had a difficult time communing with God. But 2010, the Lord was most gracious and gave me a multiple witnesses of His grace and forgiveness. But 2011, I am praying, holds more than just new awakenings. I hope and pray that the Lord can use me in ways He's never been able to use me before. I hope and pray that my relationship with Him deepens and deepens so that the only scars I see are the scars on His hands and feet and side. I don't want to forget my past, and I don't think He wants me too either, but I want to move forward in boldness and not let my past hold me back from moving forward. May God bless me with an abundant measure of His grace. And may He bless you likewise.
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