The Chopping Block

A month or so ago I listened to a sermon on trials by James MacDonald. I prayed that God would grow me and use the then current trials of my life to sanctify me and bring glory to Him. Praying a prayer like that is much the same as praying for patience. It is a dangerous prayer but one I offered willingly: anything to be closer to Him.

A month or so later I am still on the chopping block and forced to enter the world of introspection and identifying one's sin in deeper, scarier, binding ways. In light of everything going in my life right now, I am sure I am present at many different crossroads but right now, there is only I see and I only see it because it is the most painful. I am Jacob fighting the angel of the Lord with an already broken hip. Here is my battle:

1. I am convinced that someone in my life is a Pharisee, a white-washed tomb. His mouth speaks many good things, truthful things, Godly things. But I am not interested, and never have been interested, in what comes out of his mouth. I am more concerned and interested in the motivation behind his words and actions. Here is my question: if he acts one way around the church (and by this, I mean the establishment he attends on a weekly basis) and another at home around his family, am I more likely to believe that who he really is, what his heart looks like, is the person he appears to be at church or the person he is at home? And if the people closest to him, people he has had the same pattern of confrontation with as he is having with me, see the exact same things in him as I see, doesn't that say something? Doesn't it speak volumes that others who know him the best: close friends, family members, people he used to minister with, know that he is not entirely as he appears to be?

2. In the two years that I have known him, I have honestly never seen anything but pride, arrogance, "super spirituality," manipulative words/actions come from this man and what's more, the way he talks to his family frightens me because he does not seem to understand grace. And if he is teaching his sons something contrary to the Bible, then he is a false teacher and dangerous to their spiritual growth. In my many years as a Christian, I have seen nothing more dangerous, more destructive, than one "Christian" teaching another a false doctrine and/or understanding of grace. I have witnessed and experienced this man's destructive hand in my life and the lives of others and I will not stand for it anymore.

But here's the rub:
If it is possible, I am called to live at peace with all men. What will it take before we deem this man impossible to be at peace with? We have a mediator who is willing to mediate the situation and how it works is that we have to read this book, answer some questions, fill out some forms, and then meet with him (without the Pharisee in question) once or twice. In turn, the Pharisee has to do the same and the mediator will meet with him once or twice as well. And it isn't until the mediator thinks we are ready that we will have a "face to face" meeting with the Pharisee.

At my counseling meeting yesterday, I kept bring up the fox that Solomon mentions in Song of Solomon, a fox that was destroying the lovers' vineyard. I flat out said it: this man is a fox that has done nothing but cause destruction. Why would I want this person in my life when I am called to protect my vineyard? If he is going to destroy, I am going to protect and take preemptive measures to keep him out!

This Pharisee has claimed to many people that HE has been trying to seek reconciliation but what they don't see is the texts and messages that we get about how ungodly we are and that restoration means coming up to his house, on his terms and then asking others to forgive us for lying to them about the situation. HELLLLOOOO? What am I missing here? What about this man gives any indication that he is genuinely seeking restoration? And all of a sudden, less than a week after another onslaught of texts, he just suddenly has an epiphone and wants restoration? I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. So why, TWO FREAKIN WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING, do I have to deal with this? So that I can "live at peace with everyone?" Have you forgotten the obvious stipulation to that command, "if possible?" And what about "casting pearls before swine"? This man is a pig! Why do I have to waste my time on him? I want nothing to do with him!

And that's my problem, my dilemma. What is Satan? He is a liar, a destroyer and a murderer. This Pharisee has lied, this Pharisee has done everything he can do destroy, and this man is a murderer in the sense that he feels it is his right, his obligation, his parental responsibility, to condemn his own son DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE SON IN QUESTION HAS BEEN FORGIVEN BY JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF! So, yes, the Pharisee is ether a)demonic or b) crazy. At best, I can give him the benefit of the doubt and just call him crazy. Demonic people are dangerous. Crazy people are dangerous. I really don't understand why we have to keep trying to reconcile with this man.

I am open to one person in this situation and one person only: God. I know God is in this situation and He has a plan in all of this. As my counselor said yesterday, God opened these doors and it is our responsibility to him to be obedient and walk through them and go where He may lead.

But it's hard. So freaking hard.